The Newest Marriage Proposal

Yes, they are still coming. Recently a fellow has been asking me to come to his house for a meal. He has been very eager, and checking to see when I would be leaving Sri Lanka. Recently, he has been trying to have it before the New Year. I met him at a local restaurant just across the street from the Cathedral, where I went to have a soda ( a cold Elephant soda in a cooled glass bottle always hits the spot). He came in, and there not being enough open tables, sat at mine. He introduced himself and asked about the elder secretary, Theodore, whom he claimed to know. A young lady came in with her mother and sat down him, just before he left to go on an errand. Being eager to practice Sinhala (and an extrovert) I struck up a conversation, and lively said hello etc. Later the father came back and said, “Oh this is my daughter and wife.” He has been wanting me to come visit ever since, and I have suggested to the staff that he wants to marry me off.
Not knowing him, I have always been putting off his invitations. Sometime, sure, it may be difficult, etc. In Sri Lanka, saying “No. I cannot.” Would be very impolite. However, these characters are also not being as astute with my inability as they would with a fellow Sri Lankan, and are quite aggressive in their pursuit.

Since I am “chaperoned” in a sense, I have been telling the senior secretary (my “handler”) that these fellows have been inviting me, and it has been difficult. I have been invited by several people, some known to me more than others, and they (the staff of the Bishop’s House and the Bishop himself) have been very protective. This has been frustrating at times, as in a sense, and I was told this quite directly, “Any time you want to go somewhere, just let us know and we will get a boy from the church to go with you. Anybody from the Cathedral is ok.” The underlying tone of this is, “We will arrange for someone to go with you.”

In light of the inability to just make my own arrangements and the determination of some of the people who have been inviting me (some who are indeed people I have known for a while) I have been at a loss as to what to do. I asked the secretary, “What to tell them?” He suggested saying firmly, “Mata enda beh!” and “Too much work!”. This short reply would emphasize the point, “I cannot come!” and Theodore suggested I just repeat it. I alerted Bishop of the situation and he suggested a softer, “Mata enda amoru” (it would be difficult for me to come) but at the same time Bishop is more detached from the situation, as the secretary is more responsible for advising me on such situation.

Today, walking to the Cathedral I saw the secretary and we almost walked in at the same time. This chap who had invited me to his house to meet his daughters was working near by (I just saw him as I passed by his window, dodging eye contact) and I motioned to the secretary, “Over there!” We had a discussion about it the other day, but the secretary did not know the building I was describing. We exchanged niceties then I asked, “Over there is the fellow who keeps inviting me. Can you check him out for me, the old fellow, with specs! Corner building!” He knew what I was talking about and was eager to play detective. He saw the fellow, then stepped into another office to work on some of his own work. I came in after a few moments and motioned with my finger, “There, there!” wanting to make sure he new which fellow I was talking about.” He waggled his head and smiled. Thumbs up. He was busy with his work, and I sat quietly waiting for him to finish.

Sure enough, the elder fellow from the office wandered in, as he had seen me coming. “Hello, can you come to my house?” “Saturday?” “You met my daughters at the shop, do you remember?”
I replied “Oh yes yes.”
He continued, “One is married, but the younger one…” His voice trailed off and he did not finish his sentence.
“Can you come then Saturday?”
Laughing and knowing, as repeated attempts had shown, that it did not matter what I said, and that I could always think of an excuse later, I said, “Sure Saturday” with a laugh.
“Ok. Then we shall set up the details Friday. When I will come?”
“Sure, sure,” I reassured him.

I laughed at the situation, especially in the context of the secretary sitting right there. He had not heard, and I sat down laughing. When in Sri Lanka… has become almost a joke.
I sat there a while and then the secretary said that I could go, and that he would come later, “Otherwise Bishop will be asking where you are.” (another characteristic of my host is that he is an overworked-aholic, who prides himself in meeting every task, and waking up early to tackle his work).

At lunch that day I recounted another encounter that I had the night previously. I was walking at night at the bus stand, a development 3 story strip mall that surrounds the transit hub. A young man, slightly my elder at about 25 was passing my direction in a white collared shirt and tie. “Hello!” he said. I braced myself for an exciting conversation, with either someone known to me disappointed I had not been by, or someone unknown to me, well, disappointed that I had not been by. “Do you remember me?!” the unrecognized person asked.
Well prepared, I said, “Oh yes of course! How are you?”
“I saw you at the post office you remember!” Gratuitously, people always fill in the blanks.
“You voted for Obama! What the hell were you thinking?” He asked. I laughed. Appearantly I had filled this fellow in on my absentee ballot. Only in Sri Lanka.
Another tactic, “Oh, you liked McCain?” I asked him.
“McCain is a war hero! War hero!” He assured me.

The people round the lunch table laughed.
“Where do you meet such lunatics?” the secretary asked. “Here I have been here my whole life and have never met these people. Here you are meeting them and getting marriage proposals,” the elder secretary said. Another secretary, a young man slightly younger at about 21, maintains the careful cultural trait of allowing elders the space to talk and being seen and not heard. He burst out laughing at the blunt observation.
I was reassured by his comment, and recognizing the situation, told him, “I am an outsider right? In a way I am encouraged to hear this that some people are attracted to me, because I know that the ordinary Sri Lankan person is not like that. And with you they would be different.”
“Ah, yes, he agreed.” “You see, here if I am walking, they know what to expect. Now, some people might see you, and those kind of fellows might come trying to take advantage. Between us it is not like that.”

For one of the first times (other times being the fact that I have a passport and can leave the situation whenever I want, unlike the people desperate to leave) I was happy to be an outsider. More appropriately, I was happy that me being an outsider was an explanation for this. The majority of the people are very very kind, only the truth of it is, some folks: 1. Do not have the normal experience of having met a foreigner, 2. With the perserverance and dedication of the people, who wake up each day trying to think of a way to make ends meet and hope for the best, this is seen as a great opportunity. One of the stark realities is people believe getting a job somewhere else and leaving the country will “fix all their problems.” I have heard this said by friends and I have no doubt it is played up in cinema. For people with very few real options this “magic ticket” really does provide that amazing break in life. With money, comes options. That is the truth of it.

I was pleased to know, that in reality, the culture and people are kind, respectful, and had a normal system. It is only being the fact that some need the opportunity so much, they will take the risk of saying hello.

The cultural reason for this “clash of cultures” also is that people are quiet and reserved. Blend in, don’t stand out. You can imagine that this is 1. Very different from the US culture and 2. I have developed a very unique, outgoing LOUD position in US culture, so I am learning a lot by being here, and sometimes my eagerness to talk confuses the people in the host culture.

On another, more serious note, when I was walking away from the person disappointed with my vote, I was left thinking, “Only in Sri Lanka would someone lecture me about politics and a system they do not understand and have no clue about.” This thought was stopped in its tracks by me realizing the contradiction. Here I am in Sri Lanka, working for the Bishop and having come thinking I had all the [correct] ideas to fix the system, to fix asociety, I know nothing about. Sure, I have learned, but I am not an expert. So that has come to my place of being, simply coming to understand, to spend time with the people. To understand their values.

I have mentioned earlier that in Sri Lanka, relationships among people are more valuable than deadlines. Really, is this such a bad thing? Working with some of the emails received by international supporters of projects in Sri Lanka, Bishop has even been pressed to meet deadlines. It is a totally different approach. On the one hand, the deference to authority is respectful, and ensures the stability and harmony in the society. I think this can be connected to socialism, which is interested in the well being of all people (I am reserving judgment here, only musing) while the “cut throat” capitalism and competition of the West, especially the USA, leads some to succeed and flourish, though it leads to boom or bust and great differences in wealth. Between these two societies, power is distributed along different lines.